Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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