Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
