the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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