How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm too high and old for this...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
