you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
