Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
