it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
