Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
