note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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