he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
