i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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