I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
