I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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