Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
