Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
