Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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