Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
