I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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