I seem to have left my pride at pride
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
