I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
