Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
