dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
