I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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