theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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