I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well I just put wine in my tea
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
