So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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