guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
