They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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