if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
