apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
