6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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