The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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