Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
