I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
