BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
