saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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