I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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