i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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