Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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