Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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