after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
