You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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