I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
