Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
