I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's never too late to be topless.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
