i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
