My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
