the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
