She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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