dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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