there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
