I didn't shave. On purpose
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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