I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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