Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
